peace....attaining in process

after some wise words, comforting and a sound scolding received from all the darling ppl around me, I finally found it in me to continue on again. Maybe I'm was being as dramatic and over reacting as usual....but honestly, i needed the help since getting back on your feet by myself was getting harder..
trying to be at peace by not fretting over problems not my own...and to just let go of what i can't change. one step at a time SY, one step at a time   :)

confusion

honestly, the transition from child to teenager, teenager to young adult was and is never easy for me. I'm filled with confusion, uncertainty, fear but also excitement, eagerness that I found myself getting split personalities. 1 is the cold, rational and unfeeling me. the other is the emotional and over active me. But either way I get tired. Tired of trying hard, tired of finding a place for myself in this big big world, tired of sugarcoating my words in fear of getting scolded, tired of being leaned on when they need help the most but thoughtlessly thrown away when help is no longer needed.
I smile and laugh, be hyper and immerse myself in many activities to stay on living, to fill the emptiness within me by fulfilling my curiosity. But I wonder how many realize that I'm slowly getting tired of trying too hard. I don't even know why I try so hard when I know I should just take it slow. Is it because I'm still trying to make up for lost time? Or is it because of some other reason I have yet to fathom? a small voice inside me constantly whispers to me "quick quick quick". but for what?
I think i'm getting too emotional these days. often I find myself in bed wide awake, unthinking and I either cry because I feel thankful for the wonderful people and with the love i'm surrounded by....or cry for the loss of the past and what can never be right again. I hate feeling so pathetic, so weak. But i'm also scared to lean against someone else becoz i'm scared they will push me away or break themselves. After all, we may all look fine...but we each have our own inner demons to face.
sigh, i should stop this. signing out now!

HI Club OC

today was HI Club's Opening Ceremony!! I got so excited being able to see all my friends and even some of my juniors joining the cca that I was high all night!! Even though I am a bit sad at not being able to be an instructor, I feel that its better this way because I have too many commitments. Leave the teaching to those who have more passion and time for it! I will help others enjoy what they learn instead.   :)
I was finally able to overcome the 'barrier' within me and talk to J in a...normal-me manner. I do not wish for whatever rumours there may be to ruin a possible friendship. In this, I hope to mature a bit more. And in time, I believe I will.

On a side note, I'm feeling a little nervouse about tomorrow! anticipation, uncertainty, and certainly....courage.

a brand new month

aah~ how time flies!! It's alread November 2011 and it felt like it was only yesterday when i came back from my chengdu trip in march!
Had 2 hrs of sch today(yay~ for cancelled classes!  XD) and attended an talk about the ugly sides of substance addiction. It was really useful and it also taught me that its not only substances that can be abused but processes and certain behaviours too. scary....but certainly informative. it has cured all notion of me wanting to try it out just for curiosity sake.  :P
our school had the semester-ly blood donation drive!! and of coz, i went again. it still surprises me how hot my blood feels when its getting drawn out.  :O    i wonder how long later then will it feel cold? I hope that this donation of mine can save lives that can otherwise have been saved.  :)
hung out around sch before meeting with a friend to have dinner tgt! too bad he was sick so we just parted ways on our way to my btt at bukit timah driving centre.  :(  good news is, i got a 50/50!! total pass woohoo~!!!!!!!!!! XD