confusion

honestly, the transition from child to teenager, teenager to young adult was and is never easy for me. I'm filled with confusion, uncertainty, fear but also excitement, eagerness that I found myself getting split personalities. 1 is the cold, rational and unfeeling me. the other is the emotional and over active me. But either way I get tired. Tired of trying hard, tired of finding a place for myself in this big big world, tired of sugarcoating my words in fear of getting scolded, tired of being leaned on when they need help the most but thoughtlessly thrown away when help is no longer needed.
I smile and laugh, be hyper and immerse myself in many activities to stay on living, to fill the emptiness within me by fulfilling my curiosity. But I wonder how many realize that I'm slowly getting tired of trying too hard. I don't even know why I try so hard when I know I should just take it slow. Is it because I'm still trying to make up for lost time? Or is it because of some other reason I have yet to fathom? a small voice inside me constantly whispers to me "quick quick quick". but for what?
I think i'm getting too emotional these days. often I find myself in bed wide awake, unthinking and I either cry because I feel thankful for the wonderful people and with the love i'm surrounded by....or cry for the loss of the past and what can never be right again. I hate feeling so pathetic, so weak. But i'm also scared to lean against someone else becoz i'm scared they will push me away or break themselves. After all, we may all look fine...but we each have our own inner demons to face.
sigh, i should stop this. signing out now!